I have been wrestling with two very different opinions of what I am. For years now, I have been watching TV documentaries and reading scientific articles concerning the origin of the universe, of life, of humans, and of what significance I am in all of this. The TV documentaries are spectacular, the testimony of so many learned scientists so convincing, that I easily accept that I am the natural product of matter/energy evolving into greater and greater diversification. There is no God who created the universe, no abstract intelligence that guided evolution, nothing like that. There is only random mutation caused by cosmic radiation that randomly alters the genetic code of living organisms, altering the bodily construction and abilities of the offspring. If the alterations improve survivability, the offspring will thrive and pass on these alterations. If the alterations diminish survivability, the offspring will not thrive, and the mutations will perish with them. It’s comforting to know that there are no expectations of me, no required tasks, no code of conduct that I must adhere to, especially no intelligent author of the universe that would require me to recognize him and serve him because of who he is and what I am.
This is a far different opinion of myself that what I learned as a child, when I was told that God created everything, including me, and that there is a purpose to my existence in that I should come to know God, to love him, to serve him in this life up to my death, and, after my death, to be happy with him forever in heaven.
In my younger adult years, the opinion that I evolved and that there are no moral constraints placed upon me was very appealing. I could do what I want, whatever I’m capable of doing, whatever I can get away with. I’m free to chart my own course, to seek my own destiny. However now, in my senior years, when I see my human abilities diminish rapidly, and when I notice that a very large number of human beings have always led miserable lives, suffering from poor health, poverty, accidents of nature, and, worse of all, oppression from other human beings, I see that there is not really much opportunity for most of us to chart our own course, seek our own destiny. And then, for someone my age, I can feel my own extinction approaching, the extinguishing of me, my entire human persona, going the way of the dinosaurs, the only parts of me that will survive are my genes passing on to future generations. What seemed so reasonable years ago turns out now, that I’m almost there, to be the emptiest of empty promises. Surely there is more to me than the genes I pass on.
So the training of my youth comes back. I had been told that I was much more than a randomly evolved life form, that there was a code of conduct expected of me, some higher authority I must obey. In my youth, I wasn’t too enamored with that constraint on my freedom, but now, that I’m close to the end of my journey, with nothing but extinction facing me, I wonder if I would have been better off listening to my childhood instructors.
Maurice A. Williams
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